I seem to impose suffering on myself for no real reason and I am crushed under the weight of my own ambition. There are many the things I want to be acclaimed for and I am searching for what -the actual thing- could be. I think a lot of people are coy about their want for acclaim when making art, but to be honest I really do want people to see my work. I have a thrist but am struggling to find the willpower to execute or grow.

I have been looking for a therapist and there is a nice looking place a 2 minute walk from where I live that hosts a few dozen therapists to pick from. I have so far emailed four of them, to hopefully sort out what it is that is causing this block or inablility to live my life in a way that may bring me satisfaction. One was not accepting new clients and the other three have so far left my emails unresponded, though they have only had a 2-4 days to respond between them - they must be busy. I would say that this is slightly ironic as part of my problem is feeling in some way unseen.

I fantasise about having a creative partner. This would not be romantic one as I have thankfully managed to lock the romantic side of my life down - not without some difficulty but that is not what this blog post is about. Just a different topic for my future therapist. My ideal creative partner - I have a real soft spot for the comedy duo. I think this started with Noel Fielding and Julian Barret in The Mighty Boosh (2004) two people that understand eachother and bounce off eachother in such a way that it is kind of homoerotic. Podcasts I would reccommend are The Out of Character Podcast, Emergency Intercom and The Adam Friedland Show Podcast. Duos that have an intense friendship that is compounded by their shared creative passion- this is what I crave but have not been able to find.

Don't get me wrong I have some amzingly close friends but somewhat stupidly I have decided to move into a new city and they dont live there. So our friendship is mostly online and they don't share my aspirations. I sort of had an idea that saying yes to every opportunity that came my way would lead to endless new opportunities but i think i fell into new opportunity fatigue and now have ended up somewhere i didnt really expect but not neccessarily having advanced myself very much. I feel neutral about this and my life is honestly pretty good if we look at things objectively.

My aspirations being basically to not have a 'normal job' which I have found already in a sense. I work part time as a Bus Driver in Glasgow. An insteresting job which is adding miles onto my soul. I think it is a good thing for my development as a human being but even working part time I find that it is difficult to make time for anyone else. In no particular order Bus Driving - Online Gaming with Friends - Spending Quality Time With my Partner - Working on Creative Projects - Alone Time on the Computer - Unlimited Phone Time. I'm really struggling to get out there and meet new people because i havent got the energy to try.

Okay, writing this out I think I realize that I have barely put the effort in to try and find someone to be friends with. I think i'll try out rock climbing later today. I think its also crazy to have these insane expectations and to be honest i feel like my early to mid twenties have just been about slowly losing my mind. Losing it due to the possibility of having everything but also the falling short of reality when you dont put in enough effort. That isn't to say you can't put effort in to stuff that won't give you strong returns for the stuff you actually crave.

I'm also slightly aware that im making stuff without specialising in anything. I've made some baisc animations and a music video and a some photography. I'm making my first game in RPGMaker because learning to code frustrates the hell out of me- don't get me started on this because I played OFF a couple years ago and that convinced me you can make something actually worth playing on RPGMaker. But just because you can theoretically doesn't mean I am and that spending so much time on this project could be hampering my efforts better spent elsewhere.

I have recently started a weekly livestream that is an hour long and is semi planned out whith pre-recorded segments. It's called Eds Show and maybe the name is narsassistic but its basically my thing at the moment is just to put Ed's in front of everything to show that it's mine or get the good Ed name out there.

Everything still feels early days so of course nobody is reading, watching or playing my stuff and why should they? it's all amatuer stuff i'm still new to most of it nobody is expected to be amazing out of the gate. Which is why successful people that are younger than me are so irritating yeah you must have blue named parents on wikipedia or just won the algorthim lottery. I need to not be a bitter on such matters because its SUPER LAME.

Lastly what to do now: Ive been thinking about all this crap- I think I need to finish ATAYA-my RPGMaker game with 3 or 4 episodes(1 completed) continue this weekly livestream until I think it's either run it's course or it's clear there is something better I could be doing. Spend a few hours a week learning to code in GODOT(I will always pick the Open Source version of any software because that's how i think the world should be run) if i want to go down the game developer route I think GODOT is my best bet for making a game with more freedom and clout than RPGMaker can give me (there's probably a reason they are remaking OFF in Unity(the non-open source big-brother of GODOT)).

And finally branch out into real life creative scenes maybe stand up or live music(I need a band) because i think there's only so much of my life i can lead sitting down infront of either A a Bus windscreen or B my computer desk before i actually decide to live in a Shao-Lin Monastery. Thanks for reading

Draft 2 of this blog post. The original one, i fear, was a bit insane... I updated my Homepage to the one you see now. I have been experimenting with dithering a lot at the moment and the new homescreen is an example of this...

When i first made this website I wrote in an early blog post."Ive got some ideas for other stuff i want to do with primordial soup, not sure in what capactity yet but a video game seems likely" HA HA i finally did do that and did make a game.

ATAYA is my first video game, it underwent many iterations, at one point I was making a Star Trek: Next Generations fan game that was going to have a Doctor Who cameo... I shudder to think of the reality where i continued down that cursed pathway. I ended up playing around with the GameMaker engine for several months before coming to the realisation that coding is impossible.

Coding isn't impossible, and in truth everytime I give it a crack I get a little better. I ended up switching from the GameMaker engine to RPGMaker and in turn decided to make my own story for the Game and that is where ATAYA was born. The game features my partner as the model of the main character.

I shouldn't celebrate too soon however because the game isn't really complete, it is 1/3 of a game and a promise to make 2 more episodes... I would also like to be able to make money off making video games at some point, but I fear I am a ways off.

My dream job is to be in the position that Hideo Kojima has found himself in where he can make games with actors in his style and with his autership. Lofty aspirations i know. The Game ATAYA will be my project for the forseeable as I plan to make 3 episodes. I do plan to switch to a more advanced game engine. RPGMaker is great and a super piece of software for hobbyists and people like me who want to realise their vision without knowing how to code. But it is limited. My true delusional aim would be to work with people far more talented than I in their respective fields to get Video Games made how we would want to make them. I'm a long way off from that, potentially decades or a life time.

In any case I didn't always want to be a Game Director but i guess that's what I do want to be now. I originally wanted to be a Video Editor. I think I have to become a jack of all trades to succeed how I want to. I think i could be really delusional at this point, its 3:43am goodnight.

most of what ive just written doesnt make sense i need to edit it. My notes at the moment are that i'm being too self referential which i think is a common theme in my thoughts and i actually need to let go of this way of thinking becuase nobody cares. i like writing to the website live and updating the live version.

I think im gonna change up the website again soon to seperate the things i write, the art i make and the mediums i do them in. I would also say at this stage of the game I have no idea what I want to write but I want to pursue being a writer [so pretentious]. Which is kind of funny because i already cant read my last blogpost which when i wrote it i thought it was very real and emotionally raw, so because i thought that i'm sticking to it and not taking it down but now i'm already cringing. It's good to have the blog that I can update as like a stream of consciousness and its good that i'm keeping mostly untouched as the website continues. I added the below buttons to these two writing things that could easily be blogposts of a different kind. But due to the way im organising the site at the minute, they are both in the "art" section.

When a DS cartridge gets old the contact points wear away.The signal between the console and the cartridge doesnt work. i feel like if my brain was a DS i experience this with my emotions. occasionally my contact points are loose and i miss the emotion that i should be feeling. most times this doesn't affect me or it makes for a mildly awkward situation where my vibe has come in way off from where it's supposed to be. Whats worse than feeling sadness is when you know you should be sad, your brain is logically doing the math, but you feel nothing. Atleast there would be some authenticity.

I worry that I have trained myself to become a master manipulator by emulating what i think others would think i would be feeling.I don't know to what end i would be doing this and i'm not really convinced by it. I do have emotions, just a slighlty nebulous relationship with them and im certainly not a master .I still can't cry. I crave to be able to cry because it feels like it may be a release or a comfort that i am a functioning human, perhaps I could delve into my feelings on my masculinity(wholey confused). I'm told i didn't cry as a baby. My partner thinks im autistic and they're probably not wrong, i like people who tend to be right about stuff and i love them so much.

My ex best friend told me that my name came up in their therapy session as someone they admired; he was going through some inter-personal strife. The therapist asked, what do you think Ed would do in this situation? he replied, "nothing good" and we had a laugh about that because he was probably right.

During an emotionally frought moment, I remember asking my ex partner honestly what do you think about me. Something about the way i asked it, in a frenzy or something, led to them not answering. i don't know what you want me to say. i don't know either. i don't know what kind of person i am. we had become very entwined as people and i was scaring them i think. At that point i had allocated myself a very low level of self esteem and I hadn't realised. When you think nothing of yourself you don't really think you can do any damage (or good) to the people around you. But obviously you can and I have. im reading this in a very self pitying way wow woe is me woe is me, nobody really cares that woe is you because everyone has woe and I think thats okay.

When i was 16, i don't know if i had low iron, i used to fall over and feel my tongue get bigger and taste funny in my mouth. i would lose my vision and my balance for a few seconds and whenever i came out of that it was like i had to reaffirm my position on the earth. what my name is where i am, what's most important to me. When it first happened i thought about my then girlfriend and her position in relation to mine on the circumference of the earth - what does that say? I don't care i'm 23 now.